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| Some cheery flowers, in case you are having a tough day. |
Routines rule my life, as they do the lives of many people living with chronic illness. In order to maintain the energy and health that I still have, I work incredibly hard. I have often joked to people that looking after myself everyday, is the hardest work I have not been paid for. I actually wasn't joking(!) There are an incredible amount of things that need taking/doing/not doing/avoiding/eating/drinking/observing and noting throughout the day. The alarm on my phone is constantly set with reminders. It is important to manage my mental health along with pain, asthma, ME etc, as a failure to do so, reduces my quality of life.Okay, so buckle in...
(NB- There are some necessary omissions to the following, for reasons of good taste, and this elephant's need for SOME privacy. Anyway...you get the idea!)
...7.30am :I take my stomach acid inhibitor, and homeopathic remedy. I get today's container out of its' doset box-which has to be regularly updated. I make a hot drink, and a big mug of electrolyte and sugar and glug both. If pain is bad I switch on my electric heat pad. I get out my pain diary for the day and make a note of how I slept, and any symptoms. I measure out the maximum dosage of paracetamols for the day and put it an empty doset box, so I can't take too many. I take anti-depressants, supplements, Vitamin D and pain medications ( making a note of what I've taken and when the next dose will be, and setting the alarm on my phone). (If pain already bad I take NSAID's and Opioids, and clamp heat to my body until I am able to move.) I put some lavender oil on to burn, and I have something small to eat. I measure and note my lung capacity and take my preventative inhaler ( if I need to take my reliever I will take that too.) I note down that I have had my inhaler ( I have brain fog and take things twice or not at all if I do not do this). I do a 10 minute guided- meditation. I write some gibberish in my Morning Pages, and put my hair in a pony tail and put on my medical alert bracelet. Then it is time to have breakfast...
Maybe because so much of my life is necessarily regimented ( medications and routines at specified times, a big list of things that are either prohibited or impossible), I have a tendency to get annoyed at having the additional routines of my Mindful Meditations. I am learning to recognise my mind/ego's resistance to really spending time alone with myself without distraction, and I have to remind myself of the wisdom that routines are HELPFUL!! Routines support my wobbliness, like strong foundations when building a house...or the sort of brassiere your granny used to wear.
For the Chronically sick folk in the UK, Brexit has added an extra dimension of stress. Many of the medications we rely on a) to stay alive and b) to give us a quality of life, come from the European Union. As I write, both the date of 'actual' Brexit, and the Government planning for a 'no deal' are unknown....there is no certainty that there will be a ready and regular supply of Prescription medications. These are tense times, and so Mindfulness- staying in the moment rather than distracting myself- is good for me...whether I like it or not!!
To be fair to myself, a bad day here can contain horrible and uncontrollable pain AND Brexit ( Brexisn't?!) coverage, so if I have taken all medications, and am fed, not stinking, and reasonably sentient, I'm not doing too badly at the moment!
More time really AWARE of my body is both liberating and depressing. I am aware of the good things about being alive, the warmth of my fingers, the colours I can see, the heat of the sun coming in through the window, the birds I can hear tweeting ( ACTUAL tweeting, no birds with smartphones have been sighted! ) On the other hand my body is sick- REALLY ILL, and this process is making me more aware of it, and that is hard to accept. On a bad day I have a strong sense of wanting to run far, far away from all this- to leave it all behind. The difference since doing the course, is that I can usually find good and joyful moments scattered throughout most days, and there are fewer days of utter bleakness.
This course is bringing my brain, my heart and my body kicking and screaming, into each moment...and into my Life..reality. It is also opening up new possibilities in creativity and ideas. I feel more willing to try something and fail at it.
To the casual observer this Breathworks course might seem like a lot of effort, and it is, BUT I know that each time I make the decision to continue, I am contributing to me still being 'me'....rather than M.E. This makes me feel more 'myself.'...and ultimately more accepting.
THANK YOU FOR READING AND SUPPORTING THE CHRONIC ELEPHANT. FEEL FREE TO SHARE ON YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL MEDIA.
Next week: The end of the course- was it worth it? Am I completely cured ( SPOILER ALERT: No)? Was this course value for money, or yet another thing that has not fundamentally helped...?
TUNE IN FOR THE FINAL INSTALMENT AND FIND OUT!
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