Diary of a Menopausal Elephant. Aged 49 and 3/4

 I have always enjoyed reading the published diaries of others, even the fictional ones. This is year Adrian Mole, the brilliant comic creation Of Sue Townsend, would have turned 50. As Ms, Townsend, is sadly no longer with us...there will be no more diaries. He and I have grown up together, and I feel his life has often mirrored my own in it's unpredictability, and unlikely romantic relationships. 

Age 13,( yes, he and I are pretty much the same age), I was listening to BBC radio, when the first 45 minutes of 'Adrian' was broadcast. It was (in my opinion) comedy gold, and I have since read all the books, which I would thoroughly recommend for easy reading laughs. 

I have never managed to write a diary for pleasure. My attempts as a child. 
'Woke up. Got dressed. Ate breakfast. Walked to school'.  were boring even to myself, let alone future generations. Nowdays I  keep a brief daily diary of symptoms, pain levels, and list medications ingested, as an aid to self-managing pain and ME.

Being in Menopause when you have ME is funny. Not funny 'Ha Ha!'  Funny peculiar. It brings all the body horrors of puberty, although this time round, at least I am not worrying that I will never get a boyfriend ( SPOILER ALERT: I did get a boyfriend!) It is apparently 'normal' not to sleep well from this point on. So in this Blog I introduce you to the delights of my imagined diary at the moment....as I struggle to catch up on my sleep.

This is Menopausal Barbie: I am guessing the wild staring eyes are due to lack of sleep!

MONDAY: 4 am: Why am I awake?! I don't feel a bit sleepy...but, I am too exhausted to move- 
5 AM:I have insomnia...AGAIN! 
7.20 am: I didn't even make it to the alarm...Grrrrrrrrrr!
11 am:I have the kind of tiredness known to the parents of teething babies, people who house their gerbil cage in the bedroom,those who do intermittent night shift, and revising students who have overdone the pro-plus.
11pm: It feels as if today has doubled in length ( a reproducing earthworm comes to mind) At least I should sleep ok tonight.

TUESDAY: 3AM: In the middle of a nightmare, I scream loudly, then am suddenly and shockingly awake!  Did I really scream out loud? Husband later confirms this is the case. The neighbours are nice enough not to mention it when I see them. Switch light on and doze with the audiobook going in my ears and the light on. 
6 AM: Wake up unable to see straight...or walk out of the room without crashing into the door frame...I am SO tired! Feels like I am wearing someone else's skin..and she is a size smaller than me.

WEDNESDAY: Rinse and repeat.

THURSDAY: Determined to go to church this morning.  Chucking it down outside again.Skin and bones and teeth and hair all feeling delicate. Take pain meds asap. Wipe down and put on layers. 
10 PM: Church by mobility scooter. then home and back to bed.
2-5PM: The handle on the bedroom door slams shut then sticks. It then  takes 3 hours to unstick it. No proper rest this afternoon. Boo!
5PM: Crawl under the duvet, warning my spouse not to expect conversation or company for the rest of the day.
 11 PM : Storm outside...getting louder....

FRIDAY: 3 AM: Remember, how as a child, on being told it was bedtime, that you went reluctantly, feeling you were missing something....Allow me to disabuse you of the mystery. Night feels much like day, only grumpier, darker and noisier. Noisier? Yes, in theory, things should feel quieter at night, but in reality, noises created in the darkness boom out. 
6 AM: Nooooooooooooo!
 7 AM: Almost impossible to get up. I am weary, grumpy, hungry and clumsy.
10 AM: Break sugar bowl ( accidentally) I reluctantly add it to the crockery graveyard we now have.
11 AM: Drip boiling water from the kettle onto my hand ( accidentally, obviously)
1 PM: Exhaust myself nudging salad onto a plate.
4 PM: Telly and caffeine to keep me awake. Too tired to talk or sit up. 
5 PM : I need sugar but the only biscuits in the house are not Gluten Free. 
5.05: Hello my little custardy, creamy friends :-)
9PM: Keep napping off during Poirot. Was that the bloke that she was with before the body was found...or was that the other one?

SATURDAY:  6 AM: A slightly better sleep...I only woke up briefly, once. Maybe I have cracked it. Eject myself from mattress with difficulty, supplements and medications. Pull clothes on over PJ's( I am going to need every scrap of energy for this morning).
12.05 PM: Stagger into bedroom to spend the remainder of the day/weekend/week in bed, after 2 hours of making xmas tree decorations with friends. Legs like cotton wool, pain grumbling, hot in face and drained mentally, Twitchy and nervous from numerous caffinated drinks.
5 PM:  Sleepy/stoned from pain meds. Determined NOT to nap, so feeling as if my eyes are being held open against my will. Tea ( Oh no! caffeine!) to keep me awake. Ridiculously hungry too,
10.20 PM : Forced to switch off light early as only partially conscious.


1 AM:  Why am I awake, this time?! Why?WHY?!
4 AM: The good news- I must have fallen asleep from earlier(!), because I am awake again.The bad news: I am awake again!
8 AM: I have slept through the alarm...
8.04:  It will be fine....it's all going to be fine......
8.30: Soooo tired.....

To be continued....but luckily not for you!

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